Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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