My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
