What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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