The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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