Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
