Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
