Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
