Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
