I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
