if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
