dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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