He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
