he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
