i would punch a child for taco bell
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
