FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
