I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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