He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
