My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
