I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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