You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
