There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
