sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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