hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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