Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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