I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
