we should wear snuggies to the strip club
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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