i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
