I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
