before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
