Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
