evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
