Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
