Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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