i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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