DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
