remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
