Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
