I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
