apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
