Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
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I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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