Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
