I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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