My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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