the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
