I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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