So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
