I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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