I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I understand Curling. That high.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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