Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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