Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
