I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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