peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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